We all have ideas and opinions about what makes relationships work. Influenced by media, films, family, friends or religion, we carry quite a concoction in our heads when we first start dating. This often becomes even more complicated as we move through life, acquire new fears, build habits and develop patterns.
Everyone’s recipe is slightly different, so asking yourself what you want is a great first step. However, you can also use this science-based framework based on over three decades of research, which highlights the key elements of any successful relationship and will help you assess your own.
Love is a feeling. A relationship is how you are together. Do not mix these two up.
- Understand the Science Behind Love
Love feels magical and purely emotional, yet behind the magic, there is neuroscience. Understanding the stages of love and how they affect you, can help you avoid impulsive decisions and unrealistic expectations.
Passionate Love (The Honeymoon Phase)
This is the intoxicating early stage where:
- Dopamine spikes
- Oxytocin floods your system
- Your brain literally lights up in areas associated with addiction
- You idealise your partner
- Everything feels exciting, urgent and intense
This phase has a physiological foundation and is fuelled by novelty. On average, in most relationships, the passionate love period lasts about 12 months.
During this stage, you see your partner through rose-tinted glasses. You are not necessarily embracing the actual person for who they are, you are seeing the brain’s amplified version of them.
Companionate Love (Deep Attachment)
After the passionate stage settles, love transitions into a deeper, more stable phase characterised by support:
- Emotional intimacy grows
- Friendship strengthens
- You see and accept your partner clearly, without idealisation
- You choose love rather than “fall into” it
Companionate love is what drives long-term satisfaction and relationship stability. If you are still happy with your partner during this phase, you are more likely to make good decisions together.
This is why some couples feel like things “cool down” after a year to 18 months, especially when they move in together . The relationship is simply transitioning into a different phase. Understanding this helps you navigate emotional shifts without panic or misunderstanding.
- Look at Your Relationship Objectively
True compatibility is not based on shared hobbies or interests, likes or dislikes despite what most people think. Having some common activities is great, yet this alone predict almost nothing about long-term relationship success. Maintaining some separate interests can even help keep the spark alive over time.
Ask yourself the following about your relationship:
a) Trust
Do you trust each other? Do you believe they have your best interests at heart and will not (intentionally) hurt you? It’s a two-way street. They need to trust you as well. Without trust, a relationship cannot develop in a healthy way.
b) Shared Values
Do you share similar key life values? These define who we are and help us find someone aligned with us. Attitudinal similarity predicts both happiness and relationship longevity because:
- It validates our view of the world
- It reduces unresolved conflict and tension
- It creates positive mutual feelings, as we tend to like people who share our perspective, and we expect them to like us in return
Key values include the following areas: attitudes towards money, health and fitness, work and career, family and children, religion and spirituality, politics and social issues. Typically, people feel strongly about three areas on average, and are more flexible about the others.
I cover these in depth in my one-to-one coaching.
c) Dealing with Conflict
The way you handle conflict is one of the strongest predictors of your relationship’s future. Destructive behaviours such as shouting, swearing, hostility or “stonewalling” and avoiding difficult conversations significantly increase the likelihood of a breakup.
Conflict itself is not a sign of relationship trouble. No one can agree on everything all the time. In fact, conflict is sometimes necessary to find a better balance. What matters is how you handle it. If you must debate, do so with respect, open mind and choose the right time (when you’re not too tired, hungry, drunk or angry).
Remember, finding the right person and building a happy fulfilling relationship is not about luck. It requires self-awareness, emotional presence and even a clear strategy.
If you want your relationship to last, think ahead. Think beyond love. And do not hesitate to ask for help.
By Mila Smith
About Mila Smith
With over 25 years of experience in relationship management and a science-backed approach, I help men and women break unhealthy patterns, attract the right partner and build a happy, lasting relationship.
Do you want to find love that feels like home? You don’t have to do it alone anymore.
I’ve been featured in the Daily Mail, The Mirror, HELLO!, Yahoo, GB News, BBC The Late Show, Newsweek and many other outlets. Click to check out my media coverage.
Let’s talk! Email mila@single-to-couple.com
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