Sit any two married people down and ask them what their last argument was about. They’ll give you two completely different answers, and they’ll both be telling the truth.
In the early years of our marriage, Erin had a nightly ritual I didn’t understand. Before bed, she’d ask me to check that the doors were locked. Then she’d ask me to check again. Erin grew up in a city where her childhood home had a security system, deadbolt on the door, and floodlights that could probably be seen from space. I grew up somewhere quieter. To me, the second check was unnecessary. To her, the second check was the difference between sleeping and lying awake. So we argued.
We had a version of this argument many times before we realised what was actually going on. She wanted us to talk about why the ritual mattered. I wanted the ritual to be over. We each thought the conversation was supposed to do something different, and neither of us had ever said what.
Three theories most of us are carrying
After coaching over 1,000 couples through our weekend workshops, I’ve come to think most of us are walking around with a hidden theory about what a fight is FOR. We picked it up at home, growing up, watching the adults we lived with. We’ve never said it out loud, partly because we’ve never noticed it’s there.
Here are the three I see most often.
The fight is supposed to reach understanding. People who carry this theory want to keep talking until both partners genuinely get it. They feel unfinished if you walk away mid-conversation. They equate ending the discussion with abandoning the relationship. To them, a fight that doesn’t end in understanding is a fight that hasn’t actually ended.
The fight is supposed to be won. People who carry this theory want a verdict. They want the conversation to land somewhere with a clear answer about who was right. They argue points like a barrister. They feel disrespected when the other person changes the subject or refuses to take a position. To them, a fight without a winner is a fight someone is hiding from.
The fight is supposed to be avoided. People who carry this theory grew up in homes where conflict felt unsafe, or pointless, or impossibly loud. They learned early that the way to keep a relationship intact is to lower the temperature. They go quiet. They change the subject. They wait for it to pass. To them, a fight that gets prolonged is a relationship being put at risk.
Why this matters more than it sounds
If you and I are married and I’m carrying theory one and you’re carrying theory three, every single argument we have is going to feel awful to both of us. I’ll experience your quiet as withdrawal. You’ll experience my insistence on talking it through as an attack. Neither of us will ever say, “Hold on, what do you actually believe a fight is supposed to do here?” because it won’t occur to either of us that the other person could possibly believe something different.
We saw our parents fight. We rarely saw them actually resolve it. So we made up a theory of resolution out of whatever we did see, and we’ve been quietly applying that theory ever since.
The conversation worth having before you need it
The strange thing about this question is that it works best when you ask it on a calm Tuesday, far away from any actual argument. Sit somewhere comfortable. Pour something. Ask each other plainly: when we disagree, what do you actually want the disagreement to accomplish? What did your parents do when they fought? What did they never do? What does it feel like to you when I want to keep talking? What does it feel like to you when I go quiet?
You won’t solve anything in a single conversation. The real value comes later. The next time you’re arguing about something small, like whether the doors really need a second check, you’ll have a chance of noticing you’re not actually arguing about the doors.
A question to sit with
So here’s the question I’d ask you to take with you, whether you’re three months into a relationship or thirty years in: what do you each believe a fight is supposed to accomplish, and have you ever properly said it out loud to each other?
By Todd Stevens
About the author
Todd Stevens is the founder and lead coach of Renovation Marriage, where he and his wife Erin run intensive weekend workshops for couples. They have been married for 31 years and have walked over 1,000 couples through their work, from newly engaged to thirty years in. You can read more at renovationmarriage.com.