Susan Allan: The Most Important Part of Communication in a Marriage Happens Before You Speak

Opening Reflection

It took me a long time to learn to resist the temptation to speak before calming myself when I felt angry or afraid. After a few excruciating verbal volleys in relationships, I realized how quickly my reactivity destroyed love and connection.

Eventually, I realized that the quality of my relationships depended on my emotional state before speaking and on my words.

Introduction

Most marriage damage happens before words are ever spoken. It begins when our tone of voice changes, defensive walls rise, and listening stops. That is when negative emotions quietly begin destroying relationships.

Emotions Are Contagious

Fear, anger, and sadness are rarely contained within one spouse. When you have a terrible cold and sneeze, your germs land on your partner. In the same way, anger or fear infect your tone of voice and facial expressions, until your responses become tense or critical. Then the situation escalates until one of you calms down. Otherwise, you begin traveling down a dark path toward a dead end, and climbing out of that argument may cost both of you your marriage.

Why Fear May Lead to Criticism, Defensiveness, or Withdrawal

Fear can feel so overwhelming that, until self-soothing becomes a habit, people often try to escape feeling emotionally swamped by using complaints, defensiveness, or withdrawal until what began as a small issue sucks the oxygen from the room.

When I have asked couples who request divorce mediation for the moment when each believed their marriage was over, they rarely cited the discovery of infidelity or financial loss. Instead, it was the way the partner handled these topics that caused the other spouse to want out.

The Questions Many Couples Avoid Discussing

Many spouses are afraid to discover what is truly bothering their partner, afraid to open a can of worms that will end badly. But when difficult emotions are expressed calmly and honestly, couples experience connection instead of disaster.

Like slowly releasing steam from a tea kettle, learning to self-soothe allows couples to diffuse tension before it explodes into criticism, defensiveness, or withdrawal.

Questions asked with curiosity instead of criticism often create emotional safety instead of defensiveness. Couples can learn to describe what they observe and make peaceful requests without accusations.

Increasing Trust and Intimacy

The key is to make a request without negativity, as that “leads the witness” in the wrong direction:

Example 1: Describe a Trigger, “When you withdraw, I know you’re feeling worried or even scared.”

Then describe your Request in Positive Language: “Can you suggest how I can reassure you?”

Example 2: Describe a Trigger: “When you sound defensive, I know you’re upset.”

Request: “What can I say to help you stay emotionally open during sensitive conversations?”

Example 3: Describe a Trigger: “Last week, when you became angry, I wasn’t sure what upset you.”

Request: “Can you tell me now what I can do to prevent upsets like that?”

A Client Example

One client told me that whenever she felt criticized, her body tightened; she couldn’t think straight, and she froze.

Her go-to was to verbally defend herself or leave the room. But her marriage was at risk,  so she asked,
“What can I say to him without caving?”

Instead of freezing, fleeing, or fawning, she learned to use Brain-breathing and calm herself. Then she memorized and practiced these responses in a soft tone of voice:

“Bob, I can hear that you’re upset and that you want me to listen to you. I can do that when you’re calm, okay?”

Or:

“I want to hear everything you say, and, first, I need to take ten minutes to center myself with Brain-breathing, so please let me do that, and I’ll be ready to listen.”

Those words transformed their marriage because both spouses felt safe instead of scared of attack.

Only a small percentage of marriages end because love disappears. However, many end because criticism, drama, and withdrawal replace peace and cooperation. Eventually, couples stop feeling seen, heard, or safe, and one leaves.

When your spouse becomes emotionally reactive, do you see an “enemy image” or the person you love?

Your marriage can transform if even one of you learns to self-soothe before communicating.

Ordinary Days Create Lasting Love

The joy in a loving relationship cannot depend on anniversaries or romantic vacations. Couples who self-soothe bring compassion, passion, and peace to ordinary days and everyday conversations.

When one person feels sad, scared, frustrated, or misunderstood, and the other responds with calm instead of reactivity, the marriage deepens. Those ordinary moments become the foundation of lifelong love.

What question can you ask your partner today to increase love?

I would love to answer your questions so that you can create your most joyous marriage. You can post your question in the Comments and I will reply, or for those of you who prefer privacy you can email me directly at susan@susanallan.org

By Susan Allan

Susan Allan Bio

Susan Allan is a relationship and communication expert, certified mediator, and creator of the Heartspace® Method. For 27 years, she has helped thousands of private clients and groups worldwide create emotionally safe, lasting relationships and marriages through improved emotional intelligence, self-soothing, and communication skills.

Susan is the author of the Heartspace® LOVE Mastery Trilogy. Sh has been awarded Vogue Daily’s “The Most Successful Coaches Pioneering Growth and Empowerment” and Calipost’s “10 Most Influential Life Coaches in California Transforming Lives.”  https://susanallan.org