The right question isn’t enough
There’s no shortage of questions couples are told to ask before getting married. Questions about money, family, children, career, lifestyle, values, expectations and the future. These are all worthwhile conversations to have.
But here’s what I’ve learned after nearly 15 years of working with couples: the question you ask matters far less than the conditions under which you’re asking it.
I’ve watched couples have conversations early in their relationship only to see them no longer be able to have the exact same conversation ten years later. I’ve watched couples sit down to have what most would consider to be a straightforward conversation such as finances, about living arrangements, about something as simple as how they want to spend a holiday and watched it go downhill within minutes. Not because the question was wrong. Because the relationship environment wasn’t safe enough to hold the conversation.
What most couples don’t realize
When emotional safety is low in a relationship, even the gentlest question can produce defensiveness, deflection, or shutdown. It doesn’t matter how carefully you word it or how good your intentions are. If your partner doesn’t feel safe i.e. if they’re bracing for criticism, waiting to be misunderstood, or expecting the conversation to go badly, the words themselves become almost irrelevant.
The opposite is also true. In a relationship with high emotional safety, even an awkward or imperfectly worded question lands okay. Because it’s safe enough for both partners to trust the intent behind it. The question doesn’t have to be perfect when the environment is safe enough.
This is what most premarital content gets backwards. It focuses almost entirely on finding the right questions to ask and having the “hard conversations,” while leaving untouched the most important variable of all: how safe does this relationship feel to your partner right now?
What emotional safety actually looks like
Emotional safety isn’t just a feeling you either have or don’t have. It’s something both partners actively create or quietly erode through the accumulation of everyday interactions.
A partner feels emotionally safe when they feel they can trust their partner’s actions and reactions. When they feel like they matter more to their partner than anything else does. When they feel like their struggles, no matter how small or insignificant they may seem, will be taken seriously by their partner. When they feel like their partner really “gets them” and gets the little things that really matter to them. When they feel they can reveal something personal to their partner and not have it dismissed or used against them, even accidentally. When they genuinely feel accepted and loved for who they are, not for who they might become or what they do.
The reality is, for better or worse, you will have a greater impact on your partner (and they on you) than anyone else will, with everything you say and do. That’s just how love works. Too many partners take that impact for granted. And over the course of 50+ years, those moments add up, in one way or another. Emotional safety in a relationship does not happen on accident, naturally, or because it should. It is only created intentionally. Not just every once in a while, but as a daily philosophical approach you live in your relationship.
Before you ask anything else, ask this
Before you sit down for any significant conversation with your partner pause and ask yourself this:
How safe does this relationship feel to my partner right now?
Not how safe it feels to you. How safe it feels to them.
If you’re honest with yourself and the answer is “I’m not sure,” ask yourself how your partner would actually respond. Not how they should answer, but what they more than likely would say. Would they say they know it in their bones that they matter to you more than anything else? Would they say they know they can come to you with anything, no matter what it is?
How would your partner describe you in interactions? Would they use the words “soft” or “sharp”? “Warm” or “distant”? Would they feel embraced or burnt? Do they see smiles or scowls, even when not directed at them?
The question for partners in a relationship over time isn’t “how am I being unsafe?” Partners will naturally erode safety over time for the other without trying. The real question that matters is “how am I creating safety for my partner?” If that approach isn’t being taken consistently, as a habit, safety in a relationship will deteriorate.
The strongest relationships aren’t built on asking all the right questions. They’re built on creating the kind of environment where real conversations are actually possible.
A question for you
When was the last time you genuinely considered how safe your partner feels in this relationship, not in general, but right now, today? And if you’re not sure, how do you think they would answer? Make sure this isn’t the last time you consider this question. Make it a point to consistently ask it for the next 50+ years.
By Ramiro Castano
Ramiro Castano, LMFT is a Relationship Expert and Emotional Safety Specialist with nearly 15 years of experience working with couples. He is the founder of Find Your Relationship Counseling in Littleton, Colorado, and the author of the forthcoming book What Makes Relationships Last. You can learn more at https://findyourrelationship.com and you can read more of his writing at https://ramirocastanolmft.substack.com/