The Quiet Standoff
When you and your partner both feel hurt, there is often a quiet standoff. You may want closeness, but you also feel protective of your own pain. Both of you feel unseen. Both of you may be waiting for the other person to soften first.
This is where repair becomes complex. Repair is not always a quick apology or a fast return to normal. Sometimes repair begins with a harder question: Can I make room for your pain without neglecting my own?
What’s Really Underneath the Conflict
From an emotionally focused therapy perspective, many conflicts are not only about the surface issue. They are often about attachment needs underneath: Do I matter to you? Are you there for me? Can I reach for you and still be safe?
And when those questions go unanswered for too long, the way you see your partner starts to shift. Gottman’s research on Negative Sentiment Override shows how quickly couples in distress begin filtering each other’s words and actions through a negative lens. When your needs are not being met, your brain may start collecting evidence.
You remember what your partner said, what they forgot, when they dismissed you and so on. You may start thinking they don’t care or that your needs don’t matter.
Your partner may be doing the same thing from their side.
What Repair Can Sound Like
Repair starts when both of you can slow down enough to see the hurt underneath the reaction. It may sound like “I am still hurt, but I want to understand what this felt like for you” or “I need a moment to calm down, but I do not want to abandon this conversation.”
In every relationship, there are two perspectives and two emotional realities. You may feel abandoned, while your partner feels criticized. You may need closeness, while your partner needs space.
Both experiences need room.
Coming Back to Each Other
Repair means you don’t have to ignore your own hurt for your partner’s hurt. It means both of you try to make it safe enough to come back to each other honestly and take responsibility where you can.
So maybe the question after conflict is not only “Who needs to apologize first?”
Maybe the more important question is: What non-negotiables do we each need to feel safe, loved, respected, and connected?
Because underneath every argument, there is usually a deeper question that neither of you is saying out loud.
If your partner could hear the question you’re really asking underneath your frustration, what would it be?
By Delia Petrescu
About the Author:
Delia Petrescu, MA, RP
Registered Psychotherapist, Founder of Get Reconnected Psychotherapy Services
Delia Petrescu is a Registered Psychotherapist and founder of Get Reconnected Psychotherapy Services, offering virtual therapy across Ontario. She specializes in trauma therapy, supporting individuals and couples through life transitions, emotional distress, past trauma, and relationship difficulties. Delia is Advanced Trained in Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) and an active member of the International Society of Accelerated Resolution Therapy (IS-ART). Her therapeutic approach also draws on somatic experiencing and polyvagal theory, helping clients reconnect with resilience and a renewed sense of self.
https://getreconnected.ca/get-reconnected-team/delia-petrescu/
info@getreconnected.ca
https://youtu.be/iLVeDUGpDu8?si=1aZB4AYi5KB8zAiN