When you’re with someone for a while, you start to feel like you know that person. You can tell their childhood story of their first pet, know their favorite ice cream flavor, and even know which fluffy blanket is their favorite.
You might even find that, over time, you stop asking questions like, “is this what you wanted on your pizza?”, or “are you sure you want that side of the bed?” You might assume you already know the answers, so why bother asking.
Except you might not know what you think you do.
What empathy really is…and isn’t
I study empathy, and one thing that’s clear is that most people don’t realize how powerful it is. We generally think empathy has to do with feelings, except it doesn’t necessarily. Empathy is about taking the other person’s perspective. Feelings are one way to do that, but not the only way.
Early in a relationship, we want to know everything about the other person. We want to see the world through their eyes, understand what it is to be them, and really know what makes them tick. Understanding their perspective is fascinating and new. But after a while, many people assume they already know the other person’s perspective and stop asking. That’s a big mistake.
We think that because we have physical closeness to them that we automatically understand their point of view, but this often isn’t the case.
Always evolving, always adapting
One major reason our perspectives change is that we’re always evolving and adapting. You hear about couples that have “grown apart”, but this isn’t ever a sudden thing. It’s something that happens through little changes, and builds up day after day, year after year, until someone says, “I don’t know you anymore”. And during the time of all those little changes, both partners may have missed the opportunity to ask, “can you help me understand you?”
Did you ask?
It seems simple, but when I work with people on relationships and I hear that they don’t understand why there’s a breakdown, the first thing I want to know is “Did you ask?” And if you did, did you try to understand their perspective? Remember, empathy isn’t about seeing the situation through your eyes, it’s about seeing the situation through their eyes. It’s a subtle distinction, but an important one. If you’re looking at another person’s situation through your own perspective, that creates a comparison between the two, which causes judgement. Empathy isn’t about comparing your situation to another person’s; it’s just about understanding what the other person’s perspective is.
Empathy and judgement can’t exist in the same space. Period. So if you’re looking at a situation through your own eyes, take a step back and try to see it through the other person’s point of view. There might be things happening below the surface that you hadn’t even considered.
The compassion trap
People also tend to mix empathy and compassion into a huge lump, but they’re two different things. Empathy is the understanding, while compassion is the doing. If you jump into doing something for your partner without first understanding what their perspective is, chances are you’re going to do the wrong thing, no matter how good your intentions are.
For instance, there’s the age-old example of when one partner comes home from a hard day and just wants to be heard. They want someone to listen, to understand, and to commiserate. That’s empathy. The other partner, however, immediately jumps in and tries to fix everything, making the situation worse in the process. The first person just wanted empathy, but the second employed compassion (action) before plugging in empathy and created a mess. If you don’t engage empathy first, you run the risk of falling into the compassion trap, and misplaced compassion can be an ugly trap to get out of because it’s well-intended but still falls flat.
Empathy as a skill, not a concept
The best time to start is today. Don’t assume you know what your partner’s perspective is. Take the time to ask, and to express your own thoughts. Your partner might also be under the impression that they already know you better than they do. Empathy allows the flow of open communication to happen because you’re not placing judgement and you’re not taking any action. You’re just listening and trying to understand how the world looks through another person’s eyes.
The one question every couple should ask but don’t is actually a question you ask yourself first: Do you really understand your partner’s perspective, or do you just think you do?
By Dr. Melissa Robinson-Winemiller
Bio:
Dr. Melissa Robinson-Winemiller isn’t just talking about empathy: she’s challenging us to use it in all our relationships. After her rising career in music was cut short by cold, toxic leaders, Melissa set out to transform the way we connect with one another by redefining the one element that consistently gets missed: empathy. Today, she’s an international bestselling author, TEDx Editor’s Pick speaker, EQ and empathy coach, and leading voice on emotional intelligence and empathy. She’s known for blending lived experience, academic depth, and hard-earned expertise that demystifies why our relationships need empathy now more than ever. Most importantly, she shows how using empathy actionably translates to better relationships, stronger connections, and greater personal growth. Her mission is to invite everyone to approach empathy as a learnable skill and catalyst for every human-to-human interaction, not only for others, but for ourselves.
You can find her book, blog, newsletter, and all things emotional intelligence and empathy at https://eqviaempathy.com/.